No Panty is Created Equal: Lets Discuss Some Favorites

Now that every male has decided to exit with his box to the left, lets discuss the fabrics that shelter our own little boxes. This applies to the ladies who claim they don’t wear underwear too, because every now and again, your delicate kittens need an affectionate embrace too.

It was 1993 and I would have been in grade 8 when I received my first pair of thong underwear from my Auntie Pauline. My Aunt lived in California and was always sporting the hottest outfits, dawning her dark bronzed skin while sprawled out on her patio that overlooked the golf course. She had this adorable little haircut that was perfectly understated for her feisty, yet petit little frame. My mom said growing up the neighborhood kids would call her “souris en colere,” and found it funny that she wound up as a “trophy wife” to my uncle who had climbed the corporate ladder of Southern Edison. I loved her fashion sense despite her admittedly passing it off as- more work- than something she actually took a real interest in. She was a tomboy at heart, but you couldn’t deny not taking notice of her effortless sensuality. I have fond memories from my visits with her as she’d dump loads of nail polish and other beauty products into my suitcase to take home. We’d play in her luxurious bathroom and closets, where she’d give you the diamonds off her ears if you asked her for them.

So it was no surprise when we went shopping at The Esplanade that she told me I needed Thong underwear so that my panty lines wouldn’t show. I thought to myself, who cares about pantie lines, those things looked gross. I didn’t understand how anything that would go up your butt could be comfortable, until she bought my first pair. When I slid my thong on for the first time an overwhelming sense of sophistication flooded my system. It was like I was wearing nothing at all, and I’d think to myself, what if all the boys knew I was wearing a thong, they’d think I was soooo sexually cultivated. Who knew only 6 years later wearing your thong over the top of your jeans would become all the rage. The thong song would hit the airwaves and Sisco would be singing that famous tune “That thong thong thong thong thong.” I clearly was a young woman ahead of the times.

Over the years the thong would take on many additional sub forms as their popularity grew at the same rate as my backside did. And so came the evolution of the thong world. There was the G-string: Designed for minimal play, a typical G-string thong has an elastic string that bridges the front part of underwear to the waistband at rear. In a nutshell, it’s a triangular piece of cloth with string. I’d wear this for the majority of my 20’s. There is the C-STRING Thong: They make a huge ‘C’, thereby justifying the name. These thongs have stupefied the entire lingerie world by their innovative new concept! They cover only the intimate areas and do not include support waist-strings. However, they include a flexible internal frame that ensures that the apparel stays intact. Then lastly the Cheeky Thong, which seems funny because it feels like all my ill fitting underwear turn into these within the first hour. But If you want maximum thong coverage, then the ‘cheeky’ thong is for you. They cover a good part of the rear while still providing decent exposure to buttocks.

As the years progressed underwear got complicated. You no longer had to go to specialty lingerie stores to access all the fancy underwear as stores like La Senza and La Vie En Rose were introduced to Canada. Before that, Hanes offered a wide variety of the most unflattering underwear around that we would later call “Period Panties.” The kind that you could buy in bulk and didn’t care if Aunt Flo spilled her red wine all over. These were the gems you wouldn’t miss if you had to toss them in the Food Court Washroom Garbage as they had sopped up and prevented a total nightmare from being exposed.

Over the years, I’d consider every pair of panty that wasn’t a thong – Period Panties. The category grew to embrace new cuts like the Hipster, the Tanga, High/French Cut brief, Low Cut Bikini, and the Boy Short, which would allow Aunt Flo to hit you at any time when you were least expecting it. College was always fun when I’d pair my matching Cotton Striped Bra with some sporty Tanga’s, hit the Campus Bar, feeling cute in an Abercrombie Fitch kind of way. I’d be grinding it out on the dancefloor to Genuine’s “Pony” and feel the gush of hot Co-Ed hormonal moisture between my legs. After about 20 Broken Down Golf Cart Shots I’d say to myself “This boy was going to get the ride of his life.” So like every college girl in he early 2000’s, I’d need to go Calgon Spritz my entire body and undercarriage before we left to his smelly dormroom. First rule was that vagina should only smell of cotton candy or vanilla cupcakes, there was no connection to that and the chronic Yeast infections that would follow. I’d pinball through the crowd, drunkenly bouncing off people and throwing out the obligatory Canadian “Sorry” all the way. To my horror, it was not hormonal moisture, it was Aunt Flo, cockblocking again, subsequently losing another pair of panties to a public washroom garbage.

As the years have gone by, I not only have mastered how to track my cycle better, but I’ve mastered the art of underwear functionality. You see, underwear styles and designs are based on function for different types of clothing, so the right (or wrong one) can make or break an outfit. There’s a reason why the saying “Don’t get your panties in a bunch!” exists; ill-fitting underwear can seriously kill your mood. In my eyes the only thing worse than ill fitting panties is an ill fitting outfit that flaunts the bloat or the week long bender of Fast Food you ate.

Brace yourself for the Control Brief. Control briefs are like regular briefs, but with the added function of shapewear. This women’s underwear style creates a smooth silhouette around your abdomen. They sit high on the waist, just under the belly button with some styles going as high as under the breasts. I’d say that the control Brief has got to be panty in my drawer that is the heaviest on rotation. Spanx and Shapewear can be hot, and somewhat annoying to deal with not only ergonomically but not ideal in times of seduction. You can’t tell me that at one point in your life you didn’t do the shapewear peel off in a nightclub bathroom stall prior to exiting the club with your one night stand. I think I’ve gone as far as peeling it off in the passenger seat while whatever his name was ran into a 7-11 to get Condoms. I threw my Spanx right out that window- he was not going to catch me in all my shapewear deceit!

Now for every other day I love a good ol’ pair of seamless underwear. They are my workout undies and everything in between. Seamless underwear provide smoother-than-smooth coverage under Yoga Pants, joggers, or whatever pants you have on. They breathe well and sit nicely where you have left them last. My boyfriend once asked me why I bothered wearing underwear underneath my yoga pants when I work out. I am aware that I can go through underwear wardrobe changes upwards to to three times a day, but I do the laundry so why is he so pressed? I told him that Vagina’s need extra protection from the nasty man sweat left behind on the benches because who knows what’s lurking on them! In actuality, I double up because there is nothing more embarrassing than leaving a Big Ol’ Sweaty Twat Imprint for the next person to see. Underwear with good ventilation is key.

If you are as emotionally unregulated as me, your underwear drawer should be just as unpredictable. That being said mine is filled with hundreds of pretty lace panties, barely there, satin-bowed and crotchless that I swore I’d wear more. Or Maybe you are one of these people, and you rock them daily just not givin a F***, because you are either a size 2 or 15 years old. Life is so much easier for you folks isn’t it?

I can’t be alone in this conclusion guys? I’m 42 and if you are near my age you most definitely can relate to picking comfort over discomfort any day. Consequently, our confidence and wisdom has taught us that panties are not the gateways for seduction but merely a meaningless barrier when the time comes. Not to pour more salt on my 40 something year old wounds but my sex-capades allow for enough advance planning for some visual delight. Rest assure, I’m not throwing anymore Spanx away for no man, they are far to valuable and expensive to replace! With that being said, I do wonder sometimes who found my Spanx and what they said to themselves when they had to dispose of them. I can envision them looking at the the flesh colored pile that perhaps resembled a wrinkled up hairless cat lying naked and afraid on the pavement. Bending over they’d pick it up between their fingers or maybe used a stick to inspect it, wincing as they brought it closer to view.

I guess we’ll never know.

I hope you enjoyed stopping by and taking time to read my ridiculous stream of memories and thoughts! Please keep sharing, liking and commenting as I love hearing from the world around me and what your experiences are on the topics.

Such a Good Sport @Geishatheakitaguida

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