I will preface this post with acknowledging that I am doing better than most folks and by no means want to silence the voices or real struggles that people are facing everyday. Most days I start by saying this to myself and finding gratitude in the small things. But today…I’m going to put that aside for a minute and just be real with you all.
Wheewwww Chile’! My Mental Health is getting a run for its money honey!
Today was a rough day.
In fact its been a rough 2 weeks.
Where do I start.
It is so hard working in child protection during a pandemic. Outside of the obvious complicating factors, we are short handed, and lacking all of the previous programs and supports we had before to intervene or provide safety. It seems like every time I have a great plan formulated after spending hours, sometimes days making it, Covid-19 happens undoing it all. Today I asked for additional time to work on stuff, but given the governments current financial climate- Overtime is scarce these days. And I understand. I just hate to see families wait, or crisis unfolds while I pluck away through as much as I can in the 7.25 hours I have. After several burn outs, I am not the social worker who will now work for free or sacrifice my time to meet those needs unless absolutely necessary. Being a social worker is about the long run baby…they already caused me to lose most of what is left sane in my membrane. But still it pains me to see people suffer and not devote more time to them when in need. I know I am only one person, and boundaries are a must, but still, that doesn’t make me sleep better at night.
Additionally, we are not getting paid for the hours we have been putting in due to a new payroll system that was released which was inadequate to meet the various positions we all hold. So many have not been paid, me included. See The News Coverage Here.
We are 2 months into a lockdown- I had hoped to use my extra cash to buy a treadmill to counteract the stress I’m feeling with my workload and address my ailing spirits and overall mental health and wellness. Looks like its not coming. To boot my damn credit card got compromised so I’m sitting here waiting the 7-10 days for it to be replaced. I went to go return some stuff I had impulsively bought at HomeSense and they told me I couldn’t because the credit card I had used was no longer active so I’d have to receive a store credit. Not helpful to a woman who is not getting paid by her government employer. I pulled a Karen and got nowhere. Imagine that.
Things just don’t’ seem to be getting better. I’ve taken to drinking a lot more (I’m not saying this is problematic), as in I used to only drink the casual 1-2 bottles of wine on the weekend. I’m now averaging 1-2 bottle every second day…and not spread over 2 days, but mainly all in one go-sometimes its shared, sometimes I’m greedy. I know this is not the answer but at this time it just feels like the lubricant I need to unwind from the days that seem to be out of the movie Ground Hog Day. My point is, its sad day when the only joy and reprieve these days is when 4:30 hits and your eyes light up as you watch that sweet elixir hit the decanter. If only I could look like Olivia Pope while engaging in my scheduled cry fest tucked up with my stemless wine glass/AKA Sippy cup.
Lately I’ve noticed my anxiety is through the roof. I’m becoming unhinged and its impacting my relationships. I worry and fret about stupid stuff and feel an overwhelming need to have total control over everything as if I’m the one that should be at the wheel of anything right now. Especially when I’m two bottles deep!
Then there are lingering effects of Covid on my brain from last July are still here, as I see how it impacts me in times of stress where I become even more forgetful and absent minded. I can’t afford to be this way right now. I’m embarrassed in how it impacts me in front of colleagues. I can’t always think on the fly, or remember important information, sometimes even names and words when I’m presenting to a panel of people. Its fucking with my confidence- and I feel like everyone is looking at me strangely. That in itself is probably the anxiety speaking too.
I feel like all I can do is eat, work and sleep. I cling onto my dog feeling like I need to absorb whatever loving energy she has to give me.
I’m neither depressed, or sad, just feeling rather exhausted with the bullshit that is 2020/2021. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the woman I see. Where the hell did she go? It feels like that woman has gone on a perpetual vacation and will return when the world gets its shit together again.
Today is a reminder for me to get it the hell together before depression takes a hold of me and I’m no longer able to recognize these emotions as temporary and reactionary to a shitty day.
Tomorrow will be better.
Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.F. Scott Fitzgerald